2007

There is so much that can be said about 2007

My greatest life accomplishment to date Miss Cydney. One of the biggest things I have learned this year is “Everything happens for a reason”. I know it sounds really cliché but its real people. I am a person who questions everything…everything. I need to know there is a purpose and I need to know what that purpose is. I guess I can chalk that up to little faith, but moving blindly doesn’t work for me. However, as of today I am trying truly trying to live by faith. You know my best friend my big brother (love you Ian) basically called me to the carpet the other night. He made me realize that I can be a very negative person. He is one of…nope let me take that back he is the ONLY person that knows ALL there is to know about me. I know he knows stuff he wises he did not.

I also learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I had one of the worst break-ups ever, and honestly people I thought it was going to break me, shit I was on the edge of broken. People who I would have never expected to reach out to me did. I found support in the oddest places. I must say I am surrounded by some of the most intelligent women on this earth. You ladies are blessings and I love each of you. I only hope I can and have contributed to your life the way you have mine.

I must say that all my trouble and pain has come from relationships. I know with love comes pain but damnit. I am tired of this type of pain I want the pleasure to out weigh the pain. I give so much of myself that I am damn near cripple when things go bad. Partly because it takes me a while to let go when I know damn well I should have long before. One thing 2007 bought me was a better understanding of this, shit a better understanding of me. I guess now in 2008 I have to work on changing my life, and by that I mean practicing the things I have learned. I now have to live by the slogan when you know better you do better. And damnit I definitely know better.

I could go on and on about 2007 but I won’t there has just been something’s on my mind lately and I need a place to release the thoughts. I know it may seem like I talk about relationships a lot and you know what I do. I now know that I place so much emphasis on that aspect of my life that it kind of dictates all the other aspects. I mean I truly believe as women we are supposed to be married and have a family first and foremost. For the longest time I was sadden by the fact that maybe I would never have children but we all know that is not true. I think that ALL women who can bare a child should. As much yak as I talk about marriage I truly do want to be married. I want to be loved and give love. I know the day I don’t focus so much on what I don’t have I will get what I need (that may not make sense to you but it does to me). I often dream about my life how I would like for it to go. I know now it is not up to me it is up to God and his plan for my life not my plan.

I think this year I will be able to focus on Cydney, becoming a better mother, a better woman, a better friend, a better daughter just an all around better human. I will try to focus less on being negative and just enjoying what I do have. I will be sure to continue to surround myself with positive people and weed out all the negative ones. I will embrace all of me and stop trying to avoid what I don’t like, but deal with it. I will try to talk more about what issues truly bother me instead of just sweeping them under the rug. I can finally, finally let go of the ex and all the issues we had.

I welcome 2008 with open arms cause I am sure I will be better. I am coming in the door kicking and screaming with all the tools I need to live happy and productive.

Happy Holidays...

Sending Holiday Love to you all....

The Best Damn Day of the Year!!

Well 28 years ago today @ 7:45pm I made my debut... These 28 years have been interesting as I look back on my life I have had many more highs than lows and, for that I am grateful! This is the first year that I can say with all conviction that I am another year wiser. 2007 was an interesting year for me I have had to deal with things I have NEVER in my life even imagined. It has definitely made me stronger, wiser and better... 2008 will just continue to get better...

I would like to say thank you to everyone that came out to celebrate with me this weekend. I truly love each and everyone of you. You ALL impact my life in someway, I am a better person and friend and I thank you all for your love...

I will post pictures from the weekend soon...

Out having a good time.....

So I went out last night to celebrate my cousin's 34th born day. I must admit I was on the fence about going to the party. I knew there would be tons of people (mainly men) that I had not seen in a long time. See when I get into relationships I have a habit of closing of certain parts of my life ( I know it's not good) and I was not looking forward to it. Truth be told I have been having some body image issues since having Cyd. So since it was a party for my cousin and the start of the Sagittarius parting i reluctantly went. I wore some trouser jeans, black cores set, a white jacket, red pumps and a red clutch bag. I only took one pic; with my cousin K & D (the birthday boy) and he has the damn pic.

Now since I have this habit of disappearing when I get into relationships and I just had a baby 9 weeks ago I was dreading being seen at this party. So as I am walking into the club I hear this guy say is that Crystal? I thought to myself well damn my idea of finding a seat in the back at the bar was OUT . Let me tell you guys I had such a GREAT time.. I have not had that much fun in a very long time. It felt soo good to see old classmates, hang out with the girls (some of them) and be with my family. I must say there were some nice looking men in that party last night and to my surprise (well not really) there were several interested in who I was. It actually felt really good to be the point of discussion for so many. Let me know I still got it. It is truly funny how people react to you when they have not seen you in a while. Especially the dudes who you may have had a crush on but wouldn't give you the time of day (never really had that problem but there were a few :-)

Also it was really nice to be around a bunch of gentlemen! I swear the fellas from last night gave me hope that there are truly still some good guys out there. Of course there were those that basically all they wanted was to stare and potentially screw me. But for the most part UPTOWN men are still the elite men of DC...

I must say EU did the damn thing I have not partied like that in a very long time... There were no fights no foolishness NOTHING... I had a great time and am VERY happy I went.. I need to do that more often and oh yeah I did not get drunk. I had two drinks and stopped myself.. I know what a good girl right?

Sunday afternoon rant!

you know last night I made a hard decision and sent a text I really didn't want to send. I typed the message then put the phone down. I looked at the message again and then put the phone down. I picked up the phone reviewed the message deleted anything in the message that may have appeared negative, prayed and then sent the text. And to my surprise the person responded and it was not bad! You know I tend to read into this way too much but the message simply sad "What do you want". So I kinda responded with a smart ass comment " I want us both to let go of the anger and a "... For those of you that really know me and the person I was talking to, you know I probably pissed them off. Cause nothing came of that..

Oh well...

Let me tell you what lead to this text message. I was talking with a friend via im (shout out S) and we were talking about how I had so much shit I wanted to say to this individual. She suggested that I write it hear in the blog or write him a letter. She said once I got the feelings out make sure I left them there. So last night about 12:00 am I started writing him a letter and people when I tell you it was brutal it was brutal.. The reason I decided on the letter instead of blogging about it is because all that I needed to say was way too personal and mean. I know y'all in my business but I am not ready for all that yet... LMAO!

So today I am so GOOD.. I have not felt this ok and clear in a really long time... It is really like whatever happens now is just that whatever happens... The bitterness is slowly creeping away, I am regaining new perspective on myself and my life. My heart is still hard and closed and I expect it will be for a long time. I am dealing coping with trust issues, I think everyone has motives and can not be trusted with my emotions. But that topic is for another entry another day..

I say all of this to say... Things are looking good, I am finally starting to feel good and I once again see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Hope is my enemy...

Soo I am sitting here in tears and just need to get somethings off my chest. I just read an email that a really good friend sent me last month (Love Ya C!). This email was raw, mean, honest, valid, needed and filled with love regarding my ex. C the next time you see me making an ass out of myself please please do not sit back and watch. Even if you think it will go in one ear and out the other please at least try. See C was there from the VERY beginning with me and my ex.. She saw EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING, all the shit I wanted to pretend not to see, all the good, the bad and the painful..

I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.

You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!

I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.

I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?

Speak on it people...

30 Days...

Actually 36 days of motherhood and what else can I say but I am in love... You know I have been going thru somethings this year and at to be honest there were several times I wondered how in the hell would I make it thru. When I am having a rough day I look at her and it all gets better. Nothing seems to matter but her. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes and melts my heart. I want to live the best life I can possibly live for her. Be the best person, mom, friend and role model I can be. I want to be the best possible example of how to live life. I want her to be a great person with a good heart. I want her to know just how beautiful she is inside and out. I want her to know that the world is hers and she can have everything in it if she works hard. I want to teach her how to handle struggles but yet show her that life is good and if she does right she won't have to struggle (too much). I feel like I am rambling so I will now just post pics of her and let you all fall in love with her.. Enjoy folks...
Just relaxing

In her swing being a good girl for mommy

Toxic People

I got this from a forum... And I must say at some point I think I have exhibited all of these traits and I damn sure know some people that do as well. I do know I need to weed these folks out my life and slowly but surely I am doing just that. When you know better you do better and I know better NOW...

Toxic Relationships:
The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.

The Blamer:
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.

The Drainer:
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.

The Shamer:
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.

The Discounter:
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.

The Gossip:
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.

From http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml

Remy & Ginger Ale

So last night I went out with some friends one of my line sisters bought her first home (YEAH D again I am soooo proud and happy for you) and she had a housewarming/birthday party. Since July this is the second time I have hung out. I had a great time however I did realize I am sooo not the same person. My ass was tired EARLY. But that is not the reason for this entry...

We got there around 7:30 I actually enjoyed a cocktail Remy & Ginger Ale. I knew I had to take is slow since I have not had a drink since December 2006. So I nursed my drink for about 2 hours. My girl T was not having that so she made me another one.. WHEW let's just say I did not finish that damn drink (don't tell her). But that is still not the reason for this entry...

So it is now 12 am and time to leave, my child was at home very fussy, I was missing her and I was tired. We are in the car and T is talking BIG shit to this guy I went to high school with and her to college with . It's all in fun and we are laughing and everything. I call home again to check on my child and to see if she needs anything...

NOW THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY... I am normally in my car alone and always drop my cell phone in the cup holder. Well this time there was a damn cup of REMY & GINGER ALE in that cup holder. Now I give my phone to T to hold since my normal holder is in use... Well I didn't know she sat the phone in the cup holder after all. My damn cell phone sat in that cup for a minimum of 5 minutes.

I now realize I am so out of commission without my cell phone. I do not know ANY ONE'S number by heart, I have no easy access to my work email or personal emails, no text messages, I have no clue what is in my schedule for the next few days. In addition to all that when I do get my replacement phone all my contact information may be lost forever. I know that may not seem like a big deal but those of you that know me... know this is the longest I have had the same number and phone. And that is a big damn deal....

Too Much Power...

So... I was talking with one of my Sorors last night and of course our conversation lead to relationships. We were talking about my love hate relationship with my ex. She said something to me that hit me so hard "damn niggas have to much power over us women". Why did this hit me so hard? Was there any truth to her comment? What did she mean power? So much went through my mind last night after talking to her.

So let's examine these questions... Question number one "Why did this hit me so hard"? Well damn let's just be real I really did give up my power, and until someone else said it out loud I was able to lie to myself. I was able to make him the bad guy and make all my pain his fucking fault. But now that someone else had said out loud what I KNEW to be truth I have to really deal with it. How did I easily let this man get into my brain and render me powerless? Was it LOVE? Was it LUST? Was I just fucking STUPID?

As I sat back and looked at our dysfunctional 2.5 year relationship I can honestly say I fucked myself.. Please refer back to my post "they only do what you allow them to do". I made it soo easy for him to mistreat me, I gave him excuses for his lies, I gave him respect he did not deserve, I gave this man a new identity (yeah I UPGRADED him), he was the King of my heart and home. What was I to him? Well I know what I THOUGHT I was but in all honesty I need to ask him. Cause ultimately the way he treated me, I would say I was just a resource to him. He once told me and a few folks that I was one of the best people he knew. Do I think he loved me Yes and NO.

In the beginning it was new and the love between us was good.. But I now know that was love for me as a person nothing more, he was never in love with me IMO. In the end the only love he had for me was the love of what/how he could benefit from me. Cause do not get it twisted even though I have my shit with me, to know me is a GREAT thing. I am a damn good girlfriend/friend and that's not just my jaded opinion.

So as I answer that one question I got the answers to many questions.. I need a break from dating, from the bullshit of it all. I need time for me, time to raise my beautiful Cydney. Grow as a person, as a mother and be an even better woman for the man who gets me... But that is another entry cause honestly my heart is hard and I am not sure I believe that love is for me.

Cydney Bailey.....

Please help me in welcoming Cydney Bailey to the world... She was born September 18, 2007 @ 1:33 PM EST... My baby weighed in at 7lbs .08oz, 19 3/4 inches long.... She looks like her sono pic -------> see....

Let me just say NOTHING prepares you for the love you feel when you first look into your child's eyes. I am a first time mom and to be honest those who know me know that I have issues with love.... But thanks to this child I truly understand what love is and what it means to love unconditionally...

She can not speak, she can barely see. But when I look at her I know she loves me. I know she knows that I love her and that my life will forever be blessed because of her. Bearing a child is the most precious gift GOD gave to women. To be apart of such a thing. I mean with my help God and I created life. That is amazing... How blessed am I to have been chosen for this...

I am so nervous about the future, I mean who knows how to be a parent?? It's all about trial and error right? But I am also so happy about the future. I can not wait to hear her first words, see her take her first steps, watch her get big and develop her personality. I mean she is only 9 days old and she has changed so much...

Cydney mommy loves you with all she has. You mean the world to me and I am soo blessed to have given birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I plan to love you unconditionally... Mommy is going to make mistakes and when you get older we may not see eye to eye. But know that mommies love is something you will ALWAYS have....

Kayne... SHUT UP!!!!

I mean really you are a millionaire and you sound like a 5 year old... Get over yourself and understand this is the business you signed up for... No one really cares if you don't have any love for MTV

Another Perfect Song

This song is such a great song... Why is it so hard to stop loving someone? Even when you know they are no good for you. You keep telling yourself, you keep praying and there is nothing you do that helps...

What keeps you with someone? I think this song is a true reflection how what someone goes through when they are deciding to STAY TOGETHER.... This song speaks volumes to me, it touches me...

They only do what you allow them to...

Of course I am speaking of men...

It took some time and some failed relationships for me to realize just that. You know during the course of these relationships I would cry, complain, cry some more and ask the question why. I had to realize that these problems, those men did everything I told them (in some way) was ok... What do I mean by that I mean in some way I accepted all the bullshit they dished out.

I am not sure if its because I have a daughter on the way now, or because I am truly fed up with being disappointed but I have got to make some changes. Of course I am not insinuating that it was my fault he cheated, lied and cheated some more. But what was my fault is that I did not demand what I would accept and what I would not. You know what I am talking about he does something here and there and you never really say anything. Either cause its new, or you think it will change, or you don't want to come off as a nag...

Well the lesson I learned was nag or not if it doesn't sit right with me I must speak up. Cause as long as you don't say anything they will think its ok. Oh yeah and you can't just talk about it you have to mean it. Make sure your actions back up your words.

And fellas I am NOT dissing you... NOT one bit, if I could get away with shit I would. It is our fault as women we have to demand better. People are probably like what the hell does she know, she said she has been in failed relationships. And you are right I have been in 3 failed (serious) relationships. And it was not until this last one that I did some reflection and realized I made the same mistakes in them all. I did not demand better, I made it easy for these men to hurt me.

So my frustration is not really with men its with myself women as a whole ( I know not all of us do this). I truly think that men try shit because there was some other female who accepted that shit and now he is giving it to me... I challenge us all to DEMAND better of these men, let them know that you have to come better or not at all. I know there is always someone who he can get whatever he wants from but let them be the minority and not the majority.

My first blog entry....

Well this is my very first blog entry and I have no idea what to say... LOL

Today has been a real reflective type of day for me. With my child about to make its debut in 3 weeks I have just been sitting around thinking... I have friends who do this all the time and have been telling me for sometime now that I should do the same... Now that I have all this time on my hand just waiting for my baby to arrive... I say why not...

I am not sure who will read this, how it will get into their hands but this is me people... You will either love or hate me. I am not asking anyone to agree with me, this is just a place for me to vent... There will be a time when nothing I write makes any sense to anyone but me and I am ok with that. I am not looking for critics on my life...

Maybe my thoughts, experiences, issues whatever they are will speak to someone... Maybe someone will read what I have something valuable for me or someone reading... I just ask that you do not come here to judge