Too Much Power...

So... I was talking with one of my Sorors last night and of course our conversation lead to relationships. We were talking about my love hate relationship with my ex. She said something to me that hit me so hard "damn niggas have to much power over us women". Why did this hit me so hard? Was there any truth to her comment? What did she mean power? So much went through my mind last night after talking to her.

So let's examine these questions... Question number one "Why did this hit me so hard"? Well damn let's just be real I really did give up my power, and until someone else said it out loud I was able to lie to myself. I was able to make him the bad guy and make all my pain his fucking fault. But now that someone else had said out loud what I KNEW to be truth I have to really deal with it. How did I easily let this man get into my brain and render me powerless? Was it LOVE? Was it LUST? Was I just fucking STUPID?

As I sat back and looked at our dysfunctional 2.5 year relationship I can honestly say I fucked myself.. Please refer back to my post "they only do what you allow them to do". I made it soo easy for him to mistreat me, I gave him excuses for his lies, I gave him respect he did not deserve, I gave this man a new identity (yeah I UPGRADED him), he was the King of my heart and home. What was I to him? Well I know what I THOUGHT I was but in all honesty I need to ask him. Cause ultimately the way he treated me, I would say I was just a resource to him. He once told me and a few folks that I was one of the best people he knew. Do I think he loved me Yes and NO.

In the beginning it was new and the love between us was good.. But I now know that was love for me as a person nothing more, he was never in love with me IMO. In the end the only love he had for me was the love of what/how he could benefit from me. Cause do not get it twisted even though I have my shit with me, to know me is a GREAT thing. I am a damn good girlfriend/friend and that's not just my jaded opinion.

So as I answer that one question I got the answers to many questions.. I need a break from dating, from the bullshit of it all. I need time for me, time to raise my beautiful Cydney. Grow as a person, as a mother and be an even better woman for the man who gets me... But that is another entry cause honestly my heart is hard and I am not sure I believe that love is for me.