2007

There is so much that can be said about 2007

My greatest life accomplishment to date Miss Cydney. One of the biggest things I have learned this year is “Everything happens for a reason”. I know it sounds really cliché but its real people. I am a person who questions everything…everything. I need to know there is a purpose and I need to know what that purpose is. I guess I can chalk that up to little faith, but moving blindly doesn’t work for me. However, as of today I am trying truly trying to live by faith. You know my best friend my big brother (love you Ian) basically called me to the carpet the other night. He made me realize that I can be a very negative person. He is one of…nope let me take that back he is the ONLY person that knows ALL there is to know about me. I know he knows stuff he wises he did not.

I also learned that I am much stronger than I thought. I had one of the worst break-ups ever, and honestly people I thought it was going to break me, shit I was on the edge of broken. People who I would have never expected to reach out to me did. I found support in the oddest places. I must say I am surrounded by some of the most intelligent women on this earth. You ladies are blessings and I love each of you. I only hope I can and have contributed to your life the way you have mine.

I must say that all my trouble and pain has come from relationships. I know with love comes pain but damnit. I am tired of this type of pain I want the pleasure to out weigh the pain. I give so much of myself that I am damn near cripple when things go bad. Partly because it takes me a while to let go when I know damn well I should have long before. One thing 2007 bought me was a better understanding of this, shit a better understanding of me. I guess now in 2008 I have to work on changing my life, and by that I mean practicing the things I have learned. I now have to live by the slogan when you know better you do better. And damnit I definitely know better.

I could go on and on about 2007 but I won’t there has just been something’s on my mind lately and I need a place to release the thoughts. I know it may seem like I talk about relationships a lot and you know what I do. I now know that I place so much emphasis on that aspect of my life that it kind of dictates all the other aspects. I mean I truly believe as women we are supposed to be married and have a family first and foremost. For the longest time I was sadden by the fact that maybe I would never have children but we all know that is not true. I think that ALL women who can bare a child should. As much yak as I talk about marriage I truly do want to be married. I want to be loved and give love. I know the day I don’t focus so much on what I don’t have I will get what I need (that may not make sense to you but it does to me). I often dream about my life how I would like for it to go. I know now it is not up to me it is up to God and his plan for my life not my plan.

I think this year I will be able to focus on Cydney, becoming a better mother, a better woman, a better friend, a better daughter just an all around better human. I will try to focus less on being negative and just enjoying what I do have. I will be sure to continue to surround myself with positive people and weed out all the negative ones. I will embrace all of me and stop trying to avoid what I don’t like, but deal with it. I will try to talk more about what issues truly bother me instead of just sweeping them under the rug. I can finally, finally let go of the ex and all the issues we had.

I welcome 2008 with open arms cause I am sure I will be better. I am coming in the door kicking and screaming with all the tools I need to live happy and productive.

Happy Holidays...

Sending Holiday Love to you all....

The Best Damn Day of the Year!!

Well 28 years ago today @ 7:45pm I made my debut... These 28 years have been interesting as I look back on my life I have had many more highs than lows and, for that I am grateful! This is the first year that I can say with all conviction that I am another year wiser. 2007 was an interesting year for me I have had to deal with things I have NEVER in my life even imagined. It has definitely made me stronger, wiser and better... 2008 will just continue to get better...

I would like to say thank you to everyone that came out to celebrate with me this weekend. I truly love each and everyone of you. You ALL impact my life in someway, I am a better person and friend and I thank you all for your love...

I will post pictures from the weekend soon...

Out having a good time.....

So I went out last night to celebrate my cousin's 34th born day. I must admit I was on the fence about going to the party. I knew there would be tons of people (mainly men) that I had not seen in a long time. See when I get into relationships I have a habit of closing of certain parts of my life ( I know it's not good) and I was not looking forward to it. Truth be told I have been having some body image issues since having Cyd. So since it was a party for my cousin and the start of the Sagittarius parting i reluctantly went. I wore some trouser jeans, black cores set, a white jacket, red pumps and a red clutch bag. I only took one pic; with my cousin K & D (the birthday boy) and he has the damn pic.

Now since I have this habit of disappearing when I get into relationships and I just had a baby 9 weeks ago I was dreading being seen at this party. So as I am walking into the club I hear this guy say is that Crystal? I thought to myself well damn my idea of finding a seat in the back at the bar was OUT . Let me tell you guys I had such a GREAT time.. I have not had that much fun in a very long time. It felt soo good to see old classmates, hang out with the girls (some of them) and be with my family. I must say there were some nice looking men in that party last night and to my surprise (well not really) there were several interested in who I was. It actually felt really good to be the point of discussion for so many. Let me know I still got it. It is truly funny how people react to you when they have not seen you in a while. Especially the dudes who you may have had a crush on but wouldn't give you the time of day (never really had that problem but there were a few :-)

Also it was really nice to be around a bunch of gentlemen! I swear the fellas from last night gave me hope that there are truly still some good guys out there. Of course there were those that basically all they wanted was to stare and potentially screw me. But for the most part UPTOWN men are still the elite men of DC...

I must say EU did the damn thing I have not partied like that in a very long time... There were no fights no foolishness NOTHING... I had a great time and am VERY happy I went.. I need to do that more often and oh yeah I did not get drunk. I had two drinks and stopped myself.. I know what a good girl right?

Sunday afternoon rant!

you know last night I made a hard decision and sent a text I really didn't want to send. I typed the message then put the phone down. I looked at the message again and then put the phone down. I picked up the phone reviewed the message deleted anything in the message that may have appeared negative, prayed and then sent the text. And to my surprise the person responded and it was not bad! You know I tend to read into this way too much but the message simply sad "What do you want". So I kinda responded with a smart ass comment " I want us both to let go of the anger and a "... For those of you that really know me and the person I was talking to, you know I probably pissed them off. Cause nothing came of that..

Oh well...

Let me tell you what lead to this text message. I was talking with a friend via im (shout out S) and we were talking about how I had so much shit I wanted to say to this individual. She suggested that I write it hear in the blog or write him a letter. She said once I got the feelings out make sure I left them there. So last night about 12:00 am I started writing him a letter and people when I tell you it was brutal it was brutal.. The reason I decided on the letter instead of blogging about it is because all that I needed to say was way too personal and mean. I know y'all in my business but I am not ready for all that yet... LMAO!

So today I am so GOOD.. I have not felt this ok and clear in a really long time... It is really like whatever happens now is just that whatever happens... The bitterness is slowly creeping away, I am regaining new perspective on myself and my life. My heart is still hard and closed and I expect it will be for a long time. I am dealing coping with trust issues, I think everyone has motives and can not be trusted with my emotions. But that topic is for another entry another day..

I say all of this to say... Things are looking good, I am finally starting to feel good and I once again see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Hope is my enemy...

Soo I am sitting here in tears and just need to get somethings off my chest. I just read an email that a really good friend sent me last month (Love Ya C!). This email was raw, mean, honest, valid, needed and filled with love regarding my ex. C the next time you see me making an ass out of myself please please do not sit back and watch. Even if you think it will go in one ear and out the other please at least try. See C was there from the VERY beginning with me and my ex.. She saw EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING, all the shit I wanted to pretend not to see, all the good, the bad and the painful..

I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.

You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!

I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.

I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?

Speak on it people...