Soo I am sitting here in tears and just need to get somethings off my chest. I just read an email that a really good friend sent me last month (Love Ya C!). This email was raw, mean, honest, valid, needed and filled with love regarding my ex. C the next time you see me making an ass out of myself please please do not sit back and watch. Even if you think it will go in one ear and out the other please at least try. See C was there from the VERY beginning with me and my ex.. She saw EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING, all the shit I wanted to pretend not to see, all the good, the bad and the painful..
I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.
You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!
I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.
I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?
Speak on it people...
2 comments:
You pick yourself back up and you continue to walk. Not that easy? No it's not but it's something that you do..what we all have to do because you are a survivor. Survivo of a heartbreak. You are somewhere that many women have been and some have yet to be. A broken heart...I think that is part of life..both men and women.
When I was in my relationship (very crazy relationship) I hoped..hoped that it would get better..hoped that my love and all that we had done together would get us through anything.
Reality sets in. And then you clearly see everything. I always say that you go through things in life because God believes that these things will make you a stronger person...then you will be able to look the "devil" (whatever problem it may be) in the eye and say to yourself "I'll get through this"
You have your friends, your family and your daughter. A good friend said to me "when Dionne breaks up with a guy, she may be hurt but she'll jump and say - so where is the next trip to?" I had some good trips and good friends to help me through it..and a great cousin who talked to me and said "this is part of life..life lessons but you will be wiser next time"
Never question your worth. There is someone out there who will one day think of you as his world..wonder how he ever got along without you..wonder who he can sometimes stand you as you challenge him and make him a better person at the same time. But also, he is making you a better person as well. Take your time, enjoy life..and thing will fall into place. Eventually the void will disappear, the hurt will disappear and other things will fill up in it's place.
Get back to me if you wish
Dionne
Thanks for stopping by D
Post a Comment