So I went out last night to celebrate my cousin's 34th born day. I must admit I was on the fence about going to the party. I knew there would be tons of people (mainly men) that I had not seen in a long time. See when I get into relationships I have a habit of closing of certain parts of my life ( I know it's not good) and I was not looking forward to it. Truth be told I have been having some body image issues since having Cyd. So since it was a party for my cousin and the start of the Sagittarius parting i reluctantly went. I wore some trouser jeans, black cores set, a white jacket, red pumps and a red clutch bag. I only took one pic; with my cousin K & D (the birthday boy) and he has the damn pic.
Now since I have this habit of disappearing when I get into relationships and I just had a baby 9 weeks ago I was dreading being seen at this party. So as I am walking into the club I hear this guy say is that Crystal? I thought to myself well damn my idea of finding a seat in the back at the bar was OUT . Let me tell you guys I had such a GREAT time.. I have not had that much fun in a very long time. It felt soo good to see old classmates, hang out with the girls (some of them) and be with my family. I must say there were some nice looking men in that party last night and to my surprise (well not really) there were several interested in who I was. It actually felt really good to be the point of discussion for so many. Let me know I still got it. It is truly funny how people react to you when they have not seen you in a while. Especially the dudes who you may have had a crush on but wouldn't give you the time of day (never really had that problem but there were a few :-)
Also it was really nice to be around a bunch of gentlemen! I swear the fellas from last night gave me hope that there are truly still some good guys out there. Of course there were those that basically all they wanted was to stare and potentially screw me. But for the most part UPTOWN men are still the elite men of DC...
I must say EU did the damn thing I have not partied like that in a very long time... There were no fights no foolishness NOTHING... I had a great time and am VERY happy I went.. I need to do that more often and oh yeah I did not get drunk. I had two drinks and stopped myself.. I know what a good girl right?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Sunday afternoon rant!
you know last night I made a hard decision and sent a text I really didn't want to send. I typed the message then put the phone down. I looked at the message again and then put the phone down. I picked up the phone reviewed the message deleted anything in the message that may have appeared negative, prayed and then sent the text. And to my surprise the person responded and it was not bad! You know I tend to read into this way too much but the message simply sad "What do you want". So I kinda responded with a smart ass comment " I want us both to let go of the anger and a "... For those of you that really know me and the person I was talking to, you know I probably pissed them off. Cause nothing came of that..
Oh well...
Let me tell you what lead to this text message. I was talking with a friend via im (shout out S) and we were talking about how I had so much shit I wanted to say to this individual. She suggested that I write it hear in the blog or write him a letter. She said once I got the feelings out make sure I left them there. So last night about 12:00 am I started writing him a letter and people when I tell you it was brutal it was brutal.. The reason I decided on the letter instead of blogging about it is because all that I needed to say was way too personal and mean. I know y'all in my business but I am not ready for all that yet... LMAO!
So today I am so GOOD.. I have not felt this ok and clear in a really long time... It is really like whatever happens now is just that whatever happens... The bitterness is slowly creeping away, I am regaining new perspective on myself and my life. My heart is still hard and closed and I expect it will be for a long time. I am dealing coping with trust issues, I think everyone has motives and can not be trusted with my emotions. But that topic is for another entry another day..
I say all of this to say... Things are looking good, I am finally starting to feel good and I once again see the light at the end of the tunnel...
Oh well...
Let me tell you what lead to this text message. I was talking with a friend via im (shout out S) and we were talking about how I had so much shit I wanted to say to this individual. She suggested that I write it hear in the blog or write him a letter. She said once I got the feelings out make sure I left them there. So last night about 12:00 am I started writing him a letter and people when I tell you it was brutal it was brutal.. The reason I decided on the letter instead of blogging about it is because all that I needed to say was way too personal and mean. I know y'all in my business but I am not ready for all that yet... LMAO!
So today I am so GOOD.. I have not felt this ok and clear in a really long time... It is really like whatever happens now is just that whatever happens... The bitterness is slowly creeping away, I am regaining new perspective on myself and my life. My heart is still hard and closed and I expect it will be for a long time. I am dealing coping with trust issues, I think everyone has motives and can not be trusted with my emotions. But that topic is for another entry another day..
I say all of this to say... Things are looking good, I am finally starting to feel good and I once again see the light at the end of the tunnel...
Friday, October 26, 2007
Hope is my enemy...
Soo I am sitting here in tears and just need to get somethings off my chest. I just read an email that a really good friend sent me last month (Love Ya C!). This email was raw, mean, honest, valid, needed and filled with love regarding my ex. C the next time you see me making an ass out of myself please please do not sit back and watch. Even if you think it will go in one ear and out the other please at least try. See C was there from the VERY beginning with me and my ex.. She saw EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING, all the shit I wanted to pretend not to see, all the good, the bad and the painful..
I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.
You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!
I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.
I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?
Speak on it people...
I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.
You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!
I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.
I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?
Speak on it people...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
30 Days...
Actually 36 days of motherhood and what else can I say but I am in love... You know I have been going thru somethings this year and at to be honest there were several times I wondered how in the hell would I make it thru. When I am having a rough day I look at her and it all gets better. Nothing seems to matter but her. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes and melts my heart. I want to live the best life I can possibly live for her. Be the best person, mom, friend and role model I can be. I want to be the best possible example of how to live life. I want her to be a great person with a good heart. I want her to know just how beautiful she is inside and out. I want her to know that the world is hers and she can have everything in it if she works hard. I want to teach her how to handle struggles but yet show her that life is good and if she does right she won't have to struggle (too much). I feel like I am rambling so I will now just post pics of her and let you all fall in love with her.. Enjoy folks...
Just relaxing
Just relaxing
In her swing being a good girl for mommy
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Toxic People
I got this from a forum... And I must say at some point I think I have exhibited all of these traits and I damn sure know some people that do as well. I do know I need to weed these folks out my life and slowly but surely I am doing just that. When you know better you do better and I know better NOW...
Toxic Relationships:
The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.
The Blamer:
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer:
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer:
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter:
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip:
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
From http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml
Toxic Relationships:
The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.
The Blamer:
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer:
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer:
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter:
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip:
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
From http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Remy & Ginger Ale
So last night I went out with some friends one of my line sisters bought her first home (YEAH D again I am soooo proud and happy for you) and she had a housewarming/birthday party. Since July this is the second time I have hung out. I had a great time however I did realize I am sooo not the same person. My ass was tired EARLY. But that is not the reason for this entry...
We got there around 7:30 I actually enjoyed a cocktail Remy & Ginger Ale. I knew I had to take is slow since I have not had a drink since December 2006. So I nursed my drink for about 2 hours. My girl T was not having that so she made me another one.. WHEW let's just say I did not finish that damn drink (don't tell her). But that is still not the reason for this entry...
So it is now 12 am and time to leave, my child was at home very fussy, I was missing her and I was tired. We are in the car and T is talking BIG shit to this guy I went to high school with and her to college with . It's all in fun and we are laughing and everything. I call home again to check on my child and to see if she needs anything...
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY... I am normally in my car alone and always drop my cell phone in the cup holder. Well this time there was a damn cup of REMY & GINGER ALE in that cup holder. Now I give my phone to T to hold since my normal holder is in use... Well I didn't know she sat the phone in the cup holder after all. My damn cell phone sat in that cup for a minimum of 5 minutes.
I now realize I am so out of commission without my cell phone. I do not know ANY ONE'S number by heart, I have no easy access to my work email or personal emails, no text messages, I have no clue what is in my schedule for the next few days. In addition to all that when I do get my replacement phone all my contact information may be lost forever. I know that may not seem like a big deal but those of you that know me... know this is the longest I have had the same number and phone. And that is a big damn deal....
We got there around 7:30 I actually enjoyed a cocktail Remy & Ginger Ale. I knew I had to take is slow since I have not had a drink since December 2006. So I nursed my drink for about 2 hours. My girl T was not having that so she made me another one.. WHEW let's just say I did not finish that damn drink (don't tell her). But that is still not the reason for this entry...
So it is now 12 am and time to leave, my child was at home very fussy, I was missing her and I was tired. We are in the car and T is talking BIG shit to this guy I went to high school with and her to college with . It's all in fun and we are laughing and everything. I call home again to check on my child and to see if she needs anything...
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY... I am normally in my car alone and always drop my cell phone in the cup holder. Well this time there was a damn cup of REMY & GINGER ALE in that cup holder. Now I give my phone to T to hold since my normal holder is in use... Well I didn't know she sat the phone in the cup holder after all. My damn cell phone sat in that cup for a minimum of 5 minutes.
I now realize I am so out of commission without my cell phone. I do not know ANY ONE'S number by heart, I have no easy access to my work email or personal emails, no text messages, I have no clue what is in my schedule for the next few days. In addition to all that when I do get my replacement phone all my contact information may be lost forever. I know that may not seem like a big deal but those of you that know me... know this is the longest I have had the same number and phone. And that is a big damn deal....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)