Soo I am sitting here in tears and just need to get somethings off my chest. I just read an email that a really good friend sent me last month (Love Ya C!). This email was raw, mean, honest, valid, needed and filled with love regarding my ex. C the next time you see me making an ass out of myself please please do not sit back and watch. Even if you think it will go in one ear and out the other please at least try. See C was there from the VERY beginning with me and my ex.. She saw EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING, all the shit I wanted to pretend not to see, all the good, the bad and the painful..
I have caused myself so much pain and 1.5 years later it still hurts. Why did I allow myself to get here? Why did I change? Why did I go against everything I knew was right? Why did I not listen to my gut? Why did I deserve to be hurt that way? You know I am a good woman but because of all this mess I feel so inadequate as a woman. And nope I am not blaming him for that I blame myself. You know Katt Williams said it best "It's called self-esteem, esteem of your motherfucking self". I so wanna move past this place in my life, I am sick of hurting, sick of being bitter, sick of having a hard heart.
You know for the longest time I HOPED that things would have turned out differently. I would think about incidents and imagine what the outcome would have been if. During the relationship I always had hope, hope he would straighten up, hope that the numbers I found were not real, hope that what he was telling me was the truth, hope that in the end I would win. But that hope was nothing but a dream. Hope is my enemy!
I am soo caring, loving, giving and genuine and it ALWAYS works against me ALWAYS! Being that way has yet to work in my favor. You know people ask me well why don't you stop being that way; I can't! It's me it is who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I was raised to be. You know I realize there is no medium either I am too caring, loving, giving and genuine or I am just a mean bitch. I have to learn to find that medium cause I can not continue to be taken advantage of.
I am very happy with certain parts of my life. I love my child she lights up my world and brings such purpose to it. I have God who is my natural father and loves me unconditionally; because of him and his love I know what true love looks and feels like and can in return give that to Cyd. But there is such a void in my life and my heart. Part of me feels like until I am okay with my life AS IS nothing will change. I will continue to have a void, continue to question my worth, continue to have a hard heart. Answer me this people how am I supposed to ignore this void?
Speak on it people...
Friday, October 26, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
30 Days...
Actually 36 days of motherhood and what else can I say but I am in love... You know I have been going thru somethings this year and at to be honest there were several times I wondered how in the hell would I make it thru. When I am having a rough day I look at her and it all gets better. Nothing seems to matter but her. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes and melts my heart. I want to live the best life I can possibly live for her. Be the best person, mom, friend and role model I can be. I want to be the best possible example of how to live life. I want her to be a great person with a good heart. I want her to know just how beautiful she is inside and out. I want her to know that the world is hers and she can have everything in it if she works hard. I want to teach her how to handle struggles but yet show her that life is good and if she does right she won't have to struggle (too much). I feel like I am rambling so I will now just post pics of her and let you all fall in love with her.. Enjoy folks...
Just relaxing
Just relaxing
In her swing being a good girl for mommy
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Toxic People
I got this from a forum... And I must say at some point I think I have exhibited all of these traits and I damn sure know some people that do as well. I do know I need to weed these folks out my life and slowly but surely I am doing just that. When you know better you do better and I know better NOW...
Toxic Relationships:
The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.
The Blamer:
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer:
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer:
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter:
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip:
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
From http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml
Toxic Relationships:
The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people.
The Blamer:
This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you.
The Drainer:
This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation.
The Shamer:
This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his.
The Discounter:
This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip:
This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
From http://www2.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/control/ss_lybl_control_10_b.jhtml
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Remy & Ginger Ale
So last night I went out with some friends one of my line sisters bought her first home (YEAH D again I am soooo proud and happy for you) and she had a housewarming/birthday party. Since July this is the second time I have hung out. I had a great time however I did realize I am sooo not the same person. My ass was tired EARLY. But that is not the reason for this entry...
We got there around 7:30 I actually enjoyed a cocktail Remy & Ginger Ale. I knew I had to take is slow since I have not had a drink since December 2006. So I nursed my drink for about 2 hours. My girl T was not having that so she made me another one.. WHEW let's just say I did not finish that damn drink (don't tell her). But that is still not the reason for this entry...
So it is now 12 am and time to leave, my child was at home very fussy, I was missing her and I was tired. We are in the car and T is talking BIG shit to this guy I went to high school with and her to college with . It's all in fun and we are laughing and everything. I call home again to check on my child and to see if she needs anything...
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY... I am normally in my car alone and always drop my cell phone in the cup holder. Well this time there was a damn cup of REMY & GINGER ALE in that cup holder. Now I give my phone to T to hold since my normal holder is in use... Well I didn't know she sat the phone in the cup holder after all. My damn cell phone sat in that cup for a minimum of 5 minutes.
I now realize I am so out of commission without my cell phone. I do not know ANY ONE'S number by heart, I have no easy access to my work email or personal emails, no text messages, I have no clue what is in my schedule for the next few days. In addition to all that when I do get my replacement phone all my contact information may be lost forever. I know that may not seem like a big deal but those of you that know me... know this is the longest I have had the same number and phone. And that is a big damn deal....
We got there around 7:30 I actually enjoyed a cocktail Remy & Ginger Ale. I knew I had to take is slow since I have not had a drink since December 2006. So I nursed my drink for about 2 hours. My girl T was not having that so she made me another one.. WHEW let's just say I did not finish that damn drink (don't tell her). But that is still not the reason for this entry...
So it is now 12 am and time to leave, my child was at home very fussy, I was missing her and I was tired. We are in the car and T is talking BIG shit to this guy I went to high school with and her to college with . It's all in fun and we are laughing and everything. I call home again to check on my child and to see if she needs anything...
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY... I am normally in my car alone and always drop my cell phone in the cup holder. Well this time there was a damn cup of REMY & GINGER ALE in that cup holder. Now I give my phone to T to hold since my normal holder is in use... Well I didn't know she sat the phone in the cup holder after all. My damn cell phone sat in that cup for a minimum of 5 minutes.
I now realize I am so out of commission without my cell phone. I do not know ANY ONE'S number by heart, I have no easy access to my work email or personal emails, no text messages, I have no clue what is in my schedule for the next few days. In addition to all that when I do get my replacement phone all my contact information may be lost forever. I know that may not seem like a big deal but those of you that know me... know this is the longest I have had the same number and phone. And that is a big damn deal....
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Too Much Power...
So... I was talking with one of my Sorors last night and of course our conversation lead to relationships. We were talking about my love hate relationship with my ex. She said something to me that hit me so hard "damn niggas have to much power over us women". Why did this hit me so hard? Was there any truth to her comment? What did she mean power? So much went through my mind last night after talking to her.
So let's examine these questions... Question number one "Why did this hit me so hard"? Well damn let's just be real I really did give up my power, and until someone else said it out loud I was able to lie to myself. I was able to make him the bad guy and make all my pain his fucking fault. But now that someone else had said out loud what I KNEW to be truth I have to really deal with it. How did I easily let this man get into my brain and render me powerless? Was it LOVE? Was it LUST? Was I just fucking STUPID?
As I sat back and looked at our dysfunctional 2.5 year relationship I can honestly say I fucked myself.. Please refer back to my post "they only do what you allow them to do". I made it soo easy for him to mistreat me, I gave him excuses for his lies, I gave him respect he did not deserve, I gave this man a new identity (yeah I UPGRADED him), he was the King of my heart and home. What was I to him? Well I know what I THOUGHT I was but in all honesty I need to ask him. Cause ultimately the way he treated me, I would say I was just a resource to him. He once told me and a few folks that I was one of the best people he knew. Do I think he loved me Yes and NO.
In the beginning it was new and the love between us was good.. But I now know that was love for me as a person nothing more, he was never in love with me IMO. In the end the only love he had for me was the love of what/how he could benefit from me. Cause do not get it twisted even though I have my shit with me, to know me is a GREAT thing. I am a damn good girlfriend/friend and that's not just my jaded opinion.
So as I answer that one question I got the answers to many questions.. I need a break from dating, from the bullshit of it all. I need time for me, time to raise my beautiful Cydney. Grow as a person, as a mother and be an even better woman for the man who gets me... But that is another entry cause honestly my heart is hard and I am not sure I believe that love is for me.
So let's examine these questions... Question number one "Why did this hit me so hard"? Well damn let's just be real I really did give up my power, and until someone else said it out loud I was able to lie to myself. I was able to make him the bad guy and make all my pain his fucking fault. But now that someone else had said out loud what I KNEW to be truth I have to really deal with it. How did I easily let this man get into my brain and render me powerless? Was it LOVE? Was it LUST? Was I just fucking STUPID?
As I sat back and looked at our dysfunctional 2.5 year relationship I can honestly say I fucked myself.. Please refer back to my post "they only do what you allow them to do". I made it soo easy for him to mistreat me, I gave him excuses for his lies, I gave him respect he did not deserve, I gave this man a new identity (yeah I UPGRADED him), he was the King of my heart and home. What was I to him? Well I know what I THOUGHT I was but in all honesty I need to ask him. Cause ultimately the way he treated me, I would say I was just a resource to him. He once told me and a few folks that I was one of the best people he knew. Do I think he loved me Yes and NO.
In the beginning it was new and the love between us was good.. But I now know that was love for me as a person nothing more, he was never in love with me IMO. In the end the only love he had for me was the love of what/how he could benefit from me. Cause do not get it twisted even though I have my shit with me, to know me is a GREAT thing. I am a damn good girlfriend/friend and that's not just my jaded opinion.
So as I answer that one question I got the answers to many questions.. I need a break from dating, from the bullshit of it all. I need time for me, time to raise my beautiful Cydney. Grow as a person, as a mother and be an even better woman for the man who gets me... But that is another entry cause honestly my heart is hard and I am not sure I believe that love is for me.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Cydney Bailey.....
Please help me in welcoming Cydney Bailey to the world... She was born September 18, 2007 @ 1:33 PM EST... My baby weighed in at 7lbs .08oz, 19 3/4 inches long.... She looks like her sono pic -------> see....
Let me just say NOTHING prepares you for the love you feel when you first look into your child's eyes. I am a first time mom and to be honest those who know me know that I have issues with love.... But thanks to this child I truly understand what love is and what it means to love unconditionally...
She can not speak, she can barely see. But when I look at her I know she loves me. I know she knows that I love her and that my life will forever be blessed because of her. Bearing a child is the most precious gift GOD gave to women. To be apart of such a thing. I mean with my help God and I created life. That is amazing... How blessed am I to have been chosen for this...
I am so nervous about the future, I mean who knows how to be a parent?? It's all about trial and error right? But I am also so happy about the future. I can not wait to hear her first words, see her take her first steps, watch her get big and develop her personality. I mean she is only 9 days old and she has changed so much...
Cydney mommy loves you with all she has. You mean the world to me and I am soo blessed to have given birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I plan to love you unconditionally... Mommy is going to make mistakes and when you get older we may not see eye to eye. But know that mommies love is something you will ALWAYS have....
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